I'm around

I don't think I've ever left my blog for this long before.

There are a few things happening right now that I don't feel like writing about.

1) How it's going with my family since the death of Ryan.

2) My own struggle with sadness after losing Ryan and watching my sister go through so much.

3) My Student Teacher. Ugh. Enough said.

4) School is busy. I'm going to bed at 8:30 most nights now and working 10 hours a day. 

None of these things are fun to write about. I don't want to have a blog filled with sadness or anger and that's what I feel most days. 

I'm praying for my use of words to come back to me. They've been gone for several months now. I have no desire to write, not even for Burnside, which is quite a flip for me.

Pray I come back soon.

Disney

I should tell you that through the generosity of so many I was able to go to Florida and not go into debt. I won’t lie; I was really stressed out. I had to get back-to-school clothes, some of my favorite clothes were lost en route to Kenya, and apparently I need 4 new tires on my lil ole car. But I put my need out there and my need was more than met.

We stayed at the Magic Tree Resort just a few miles from Disney. A friend’s Mom works there and got us the family discount. These rooms were like mini condo’s! There were 2 bedrooms. One bedroom had 2 Queen beds and the other bedroom had a King-sized bed. There were 2 separate bathrooms, free laundry, a fully equipped kitchen, a table for 6, and a living room! Awesome! We squeezed 7 people in there comfortably. Later, on Friday, my parents and Dean got a 2^nd room and we were able to spread out a bit more.

I mention the rooms because they were just what we needed for such a stressful and busy weekend. We could unwind. We baked cookies and had grilled chicken. We settled in for just a few days and were comfortable and there is something to be said for being comfortable. There was also a hot tub, a kiddie pool, and a nice heated pool. When we weren’t at Disney or at the Memorial then we were in the pool. You know I speak the truth.

Debra and I landed Wednesday at 4:45 around the time that Dawn and family checked into the resort. We took a cab there and were in the pool by 6. We swam, made dinner, tucked the kids into bed, and then Dawn and I went in search of the grocery store!

We went to pick up just a few things, you know, some more deli meat and maybe some more hard cider. But after seeing that we were in a fully equipped kitchen, we decided to GET GROCERIES! Again, this was paid for by others who are generous! Thank you! We bought cookie dough, cider, chips, fruit, vegetables, snacks and all manner of good things.

The next day we rose early and were at Disney by 8:15. We met a cousin of a friend of Ryan (or something like that?) who got us into Disney (read: one more incredible gift!). We rented two strollers for the day, packed our stuff in, and set out to conquer Magic Kingdom.

Debra was our tour guide as Dawn and I have not been there since 1988. Debra did great! She knew all the tricks! The day was horribly hot and I was horribly sick. Someone on the airplane shared their cold with me and I was not a happy camper at Disney.

The lines were low and I believe we waited less than 10 mins for everything we tried. We went auto racing, visited the Small World, rode Thunder Mountain, and Pirates of the Caribbean. We conquered the ice cream trucks and found a variety of ways to cool down. We watched two parades and met a giant bunny. We toured Mickey and Minnie’s house, we took a train ride around the Kingdom and we saw Tinker Bell make a glorious descent from the top of the Castle on a zip line.

Chloe fell asleep on Dawn while we waited in line for an event. Levi’s ice cream melted all over him and he looked cute in it. Seth was a trooper, not one complaint the entire day! And Caleb wanted to own one of everything he saw.  And secretly, I think we all wished Ryan were with us the entire day. It would’ve been more fun that way.

It's always like this in September

You must know by now that it's always like this in September.

I am terribly busy. It's a wicked sort of busy.

And I had every intention of blogging this week but I left my computer cord in Orlando and now my computer has no power and won't be recharged until this weekend. I'm currently writing this from school. Shhhh....

So, on top of being busy now I have no power. And yes, that's a metaphor.

The Garden

My garden was a huge success this year! I learned a lot of tips and tricks that I need to write down and remember next April. Just the other day my parents and I decided to double the size of the garden for next year. This is very generous of them because it's in their back yard!

Along with spending time in my garden I have also spent about 4-5 days a week working in my kitchen. One of my favorite things to do is prep/process fresh local produce in order to eat it all winter long. It seems that every summer I buy a new appliance for my kitchen in order to aid in my processing. This year I bought a new Kitchen Aid blender (it's red. I love it) and a food dehydrator! And, just a few weeks ago I bought a "new for me" deep freeze that is now living in my garage. I'm slowly but surely filling it with local food goodness.

I've frozen:
Blueberries -- 128 cups
Raspberries -- 58.5 cups
blackberries --29 cups
peaches -----90 cups
cherries -----44 cups
shredded zucchini - 30 cups
shredded summer squash - 9.5 cups
chopped onions - 9
corn ------- 24 cups
shredded carrots - 13 cups
grilled s. squash & zucchini - 7.4 cups

Also froze:
9x13 eggplant parm
8x8 eggplant parm
9x13 pasta casserole
(made with at least 70% from my garden!)

I dehydrated:
onions
yellow beans
summer squash
zucchini
green peppers
red peppers
apples

I canned:
2 quarts marinara sauce
6 roasted red pepper

FAQ's get some answers

So many of you have showed such great and generous concern over these last few days and weeks regarding my family. I do appreciate your interest and questions, however, sometimes I am overwhelmed at the process of answering them. It is a very emotional story to tell, over and over again. You are certainly welcome to ask these questions and I hope you will continue to understand that sometimes I have the energy to answer them - and sometimes I do not.

I thought I would take a moment to answer the questions I am asked most frequently:
1) How is Dawn doing?
She is a solid and strong woman of faith. She is amazing. Of course, there are very hard days in the mix. The plane crash was August 1 and Ryan died August 7. August 7 their oldest son also turned 8. Can you imagine what it will be like for the rest of Caleb's life knowing that his Dad died on his birthday? On August 23 Ryan would have been 34. October 1, their youngest will be 3. October 14 would have been their 9 year anniversary. A few weeks ago we heard that Caleb found Ryan's deodorant and he smeared it all over his neck because he wanted to smell like his Dad. Last weekend some guys from the Airport Hangar came by with Ryan's toolbox and put it in storage at Dawn's house. This was a particularly hard day for her. She is strong, but she is also a young widow with 4 babies.

2) Is she going to stay in Kenya?
Yes. Dawn has known since she was a little girl that she wanted to be a missionary in Africa. She graduated with her Nursing degree in 1991 and moved to Tanzania in 1993, site unseen. She has lived there the majority of the last 16 years. Two of her babies were born there and the other two were born in the USA but moved to Kenya while infants. Living in Kenya is her normal life and her home, but she "visits" the States. The day of the plane crash her best friend, Tiffany, lost her husband who was the pilot. Tiffany also has 4 children. Currently Dawn and Tiffany are thinking about what type of work they could do in Kenya together. Dawn is praying about what to do next but does feel led to stay in Africa.

3) When is Dawn coming back?
Dawn and Tiffany and the 8 children will fly to the States tonight and they land tomorrow. Dawn is from Holland, MI while Ryan is from Florida. Tiffany is also from Florida. On Sept 19 there will be a Memorial service for Tiffany's husband. On Sept 26 there will be a Memorial service for Ryan - and my entire nuclear family is flying down for the weekend. On Oct 10 there will be another Memorial service for Ryan in Holland, MI. Dawn and Tiffany are planning a retreat on how to grieve well and will return with their children to Kenya by mid-November. Dawn and Ryan were scheduled to spend a year in the States starting March 2010 and she will follow through with those plans.

4) How can I help?
There are a million ways you can help - please see me! :)

Personally, I knew Ryan quite well. During their 3 month engagement Ryan, Dawn, and myself all lived with my parents. A year later (after 9/11 there was no work for an airplane mechanic) they moved back into our house with baby Caleb and we all lived together for about 6 more months. In 2003 I went to Kenya for 5 weeks and in 2007 I went for 8 weeks and during both trips I lived with them. Ryan was more than a brother-in-law to me, he was such a good friend and he took care of me like a sister. 

I still cannot believe he is gone and I am in tears at least once a day.

People are Good.

So - A few weeks ago I told you that I am going to Disney later in September because my sister Dawn asked my sister Debra and I to take her and the kids.

This is all well and good but suddenly I became broke. Like, for real broke. If I had not gone to Portland in April or Europe in July that I'd be FINE financially. But I live a good life and I live well yet simply...and there ya have it.

I was getting SUPER stressed out about the money because I figured the 5 day trip would cost me about $700 (hotel, meals, car renteal, Disney pass, airfare, etc.). I was crying more than usual these last few weeks (My apologies if my frequent mentioning of my crying is too much info - it's just my current reality). I couldn't sleep. So stressed.

Last Sunday I could NOT sleep. I literally felt as though I was wrestling with demons. Finally I heard these words in my head, "diane, this is how I can show you that I am faithful." And I let it go. Three days later I was at my friends house and crying on her couch telling her about my stress (apparently I am not good at letting things go!) She runs upstairs and then presses $200 in my hand. I didn't want it, "I'm not asking you for money! I'm just telling you that I'm stressed out!" but she won't take it back. I feel quilty.

Two days later (Friday) I finally break down and email my House Church and tell them that I need help. For the last year they have been telling me that I need to learn how to ask for help. They are right - I never ask for help. I believe that I should be able to take care of myself, all by myself. Within the hour they called an emergency meeting. It was held last night.

In addition to all this -- I sent some of my favorite teacher clothes for Dawn to wear in Kenya. The luggage was lost. Of course. So any money I may have been able to set aside now has to go towards new clothes (more than my normal minimum "back to school" trousers, ya know?) We may or may not get money from the airline. Who knows?!

Today three things happened:
1) I got an email from Ryan's college roommate's sister who has never met anyone in my family. She explained how her cousin works the ticket sales at Disney and got ALL of us tickets.
2) A guy in my house church is from FL. His mom works at a resort 2 miles from Disney. Today I got an email from them saying that our hotel for Sept 25 & 26 is taken care of. All my entire family has to do is SHOW UP.
3) Today I went to the mall to start looking at clothes, just to look. I asked if Shari was working. Shari was the woman who helped me BEFORE I started the year long fast. She is also the woman who helped me BREAK my year long fast. She is a rock star. She told me to come over to her house tonight at 7 and she sold me 9 "new for me" pieces of clothing for $20.

PEOPLE ARE AMAZING.

And God is faithful.

More news from Kenya

From Dawn this morning (also today would have been Ryan's 34th birthday):

Hi Everybody,

Ryan’s service here in Kenya was on August 15. It was good.

We are planning our trip to the states and I can share some of those dates.

We fly from Nairobi to North Carolina on September 2 and 3. Ryan’s parents live in Garner, NC. This is our first trip without Ryan. Our kids are Caleb age 8, Levi age 6, Seth age 4, and Chloe is almost 3. I hope and pray the three airplane rides and two layovers go smoothly.

My in-laws are lending me their van and we are driving to FL on September 18 to attend Frank Toews Memorial Service in Leesburg on the 19th. My sisters, Diane and Debra, are flying in on Wednesday the 23rd . Friends of ours, the Williamsons, have opened up their home to us. On the 24th we are going to Disney! Diane, Debra, 4 kids, and myself. A dear friend who I have yet to meet is giving me 5 tickets. My parents and In-laws arrive on the 25th and Ryan’s Florida Memorial Service will be on Saturday the 26th.

First Baptist Church of Oviedo
45 W Broadway
Oviedo FL 32765

I’ll let you know the time when it’s decided.

First Baptist is Ryan and I’s home church. I am looking forward to worshipping with them on the 27th. We will drive back to NC on the 28th.

October 1 is Chloe’s 3rd birthday, we will probably fly from NC to NY and spend a few days at AIM’s office in Pearl River. On October 4 we will probably fly to MI to be with my family. On Saturday, October 10 we will have another Memorial Service in Holland. I am still deciding on the venue and time. October 14 would have been Ryan and I’s 9th anniversary.

Sometime in the middle of October, Tiffany (Frank’s wife who also died in the crash and one of my best friends) are being whisked away. Just the two of us (and none of our 8 kids) are going on a retreat. Our counseling center here in Nairobi is planning a special retreat for us. We asked them to plan it for us while we are in the states. So far they have 3 options for us to consider, in MI and PA. Tiffany and I want to grieve well and are open to receiving all the help we can get to do this. I am looking forward to it already, for a safe place to laugh and grieve with my friend.

On October 28, me and the kids are off on another road trip to Wausau WI to spend a long weekend with my brother and sister-in-law and their 3 kids. We drive back to MI on November 2. Sometime that week, we will fly back to NC and spend those last days seeing Ryan’s family before we fly to our home in Nairobi on November 17 and 18.

After all these flights and road trips, I hope I will have started adjusting to traveling with 4 small kids and no husband. I am not looking forward to it, and hope I have the freedom to cry and be mad when I need to. But I also hope we can have A LOT of fun.

I shared a lot of details. I hope you print this up and post it on your refrigerator or place it in your Bible and pray for us on each day, knowing what we are doing on those days. When I have the domestic flights, I’ll clarify those dates for you.

Thanks
Dawn and the 4 kiddos.

P. S. We are returning to Kenya, I will share more about that in the future. But I am certain that God wants us here and he will supply a ministry for me. I have some good possibilities already to consider.

P. P. S. I share a lot of daily information on Face book. Please find me as your friend and keep up more regularly with what those crazy, adventurous Williams are up to next